Monday, June 20, 2016

My Review Request Hall of Shame

There are right ways AND wrong ways to submit a review request to a blogger/reviewer.

It's always a good idea to take at least a few minutes to familiarize yourself with them, their blogs, their preferences, and their ways of conducting business before hitting the "send" button on that critical request for a review.  Remember: they are doing you a favor--sacrificing time with their families and friends and their own leisure-time pursuits--by reviewing your novel.   

Here are some examples of how NOT to do it (definitely intended as tongue-in-cheek, although I'd be willing to bet that there are bloggers out there who have received requests all too similar to these).

Observing no particular sequence, we’ll start with this intellectual gem:

The “Could You Get Just A Little Personal?” request:

To whom it may concern:

I like your blog.  Do you do reviews?  I didn’t read your submission requirements because, frankly, I’m much too busy.  My novel is attached to this email.  Read it and review it.

The “Lucky Me” request:

Hello reviewer,

This novel will set the publishing world on fire.  It has mega-best-seller written all over it.  When word of this masterpiece gets out, Rowling, Grisham, Patterson, et al will be hiding under their kitchen tables.  This story is colossal; it’s stupendous; it’s stellar; it’s magnificent; it’s spellbinding; it sets a new standard in storytelling excellence that nobody will ever match … not now … not ever.  It is clearly the best frickin’ work to be released in mankind’s literary history.

And I’m giving YOU a crack at it.  I want you to prove to me that you deserve the honor of reviewing it.  Let me know real quick because there are hundreds of quality bloggers just dying to get their hands on it.

 The “How Awesome Is It?” request:

Hi Reviewer,

You'll really want to review this book because it is so damn awesome.  The characters are really awesome, the plot is really awesome, and the climax is really awesome (aren’t they all, LOL?  A little sex humor there).  This first novel is the best one I’ve written yet (it is definitely awesome), and I’m giving you the chance to get in on the ground floor.  How awesome is that?  Just go out to Amazon, buy yourself a copy, and post your review. 

The “Do I Look Like A Stepping Stone?” request:

Dear Blogger,

I’ll make this short and sweet.  I need a fast review (I’m talking next week at the latest), and I need it to be a 5-star.  Not only is my Amazon rating dropping like a rock, but I need one more 5-star review to impress Kirkus and get a real review from them.  So, hop to it … chop chop.  And remember: give me a 5 and keep me alive.


The “All The Good Ones Are Taken” Request:


Would you please review my book?  I’ve tried all the quality reviewers and they all turned me down.  So, I thought I’d give YOU a chance.   You can buy it at Amazon.

The “Well, Pardon My Genre” request:

Hi blogger,

I noticed you only review sweet romances (see, I did read your requirements), but I’m sending you my horror/chick lit/dystopian/spy thriller novel anyway because I just know you’d want to review it.  You don’t have to thank me; on the other hand, the best way to thank me would be with a 5-star review.  By the way, you really should expand your genre requirements.  You strike me as a very narrow-minded person.

The “I’ll Tell You What To Do With Your File” request:

4th (and last) notice, blogger:

I already sent you three review requests, but you never answered me.  Do you want to review my novel or not?  I’ll give you one last chance.  Go out to Amazon, check out the blurb and the opening chapters, and tell me what to do with the file.

The “Stick THIS in your Google Search Box” request:

I have a novel you’ll just love reviewing.  It’s on Amazon.  Just Google around a little bit to find out about me and the book.  Hurry; I really need some reviews from wherever I can get them.

The “I Ain’t Got No Kindle” request:


I noticed on your Review Policy Page that you don’t accept Kindle eBooks.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Get with the program!  If you had a Kindle reader, I would send you the latest novel in my “Mix Paper With Sand And You’ll Get Sandpaper” series.  It is entertainment at its finest; but you can’t read it because you don’t have a Kindle.  Are you a serious blogger or aren’t you?

The “Format THIS” request:

Hey Blogger:

I’ve attached my novel (in some crazy-ass digital format; I don’t understand all that technical crap) to this email.  Read it and post a great review on Amazon.  And don’t take all year to do it, please?

I hope this lighthearted stroll through my Review Request Hall of Shame has been enlightening and entertaining.  I know I had fun (and a few laughs) while writing it.  But do take heed of the underlying wisdom about review requests. 

If you’re good to bloggers, many of them will be good to you as well.

And don't forget to take a few minutes to pet your Thesaurus today.