Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Right Back Where We Ended From



This short story--at its core--is a work of fiction.  However, it was inspired by a series of unconnected events that occurred in my life.  These tiny snippets were then knitted together at my literary loom with the yarn of imagination.  I submit it for your enjoyment.


Settled comfortably into his hotel room on Michigan Avenue in Chicago, the author was whiling away a few free hours poring over an endless queue of emails that had accumulated since his traveling book tour had departed Detroit earlier that day.  Since writing Child of Privilege, his life had become a whirlwind of airports, motel rooms, TV, phone, and radio interviews, book signings, and emails ... and more emails ... and still more emails.  There were emails from his publisher, the publicists, his agent, fans, his editor, haters, author groupies, scam artists, almost everybody imaginable.  But somehow, he didn't mind.

A slot on the best-seller list could ameliorate a wide range of inconveniences.

If the truth be known, he treasured the accolades from fans and author peers alike.  He delighted in offering advice and encouragement to struggling writers still dreaming of climbing that golden ladder known as the best-seller list.  He never failed to remember that—not too long ago—he was fighting the same fight.  

He never allowed himself the convenience of forgetting where he came from.

Even the occasional hate mail failed to tarnish the sparkle of literary success.

He had finally made it.

After typing a few words of encouragement to yet another author hopeful, he scrolled down to the next message which read: Hey, Mister Rich Writer!  I’m hitting you with a paternity suit!

The author groaned with the sickening sensation of his stomach caving in and squeezing his colon like a balloon.  He muttered a guttural string of obscenities at the hubris of some envious opportunist forcing him to divert time and energy to defend himself against a wild and baseless accusation.  It happens to public figures all the time, he repeated to himself with little solace.  Dealing with this sort of crap was a waste of resources and effort.

His first inclination was to simply forward the email to his lawyer and await legal advice.  But something in the back of his mind nagged him into opening the ominous communique.

His laptop computer's screen instantly lit up with a palette of bright colors, flowers, pastel fairy-tale images, butterflies, and bold, rainbow script:  Ha Ha!  Another gotcha from your favorite red-haired girl!!!!

Your favorite red-haired girl?  What the hell was going on here?!  There was only one person of his acquaintance who fit that description: Joanna.

They’d met during the 1980's singles' craze when a local magazine sponsored a "get acquainted, get plastered, and get laid" party at a nearby bar.  What began as a Saturday night dinner date culminated in two years of cohabitation.  Drawn together by her capricious, giggling, light-hearted silliness, and his shy, reserved seriousness, the improbable couple had shared tears, laughter, living-room sofas, dinner tables, travels, beds, sunshine, rain, arguments, and reconciliations with surprising deftness.  The mere fact that the odds towered against this union of opposites drove them to cling even more tightly to each other.

But, as with all good things, time subtly altered the complexion of their relationship.  The same differences that had once drawn them together gradually shifted over time and began to erode the very foundations of what they had built together.  Her personality increasingly grated against his; his demeanor increasingly chafed against hers.  Shared moments and lovemaking soon darkened into soul-chilling coldness; affection and laughter were decimated by stony silence.

It was time to leave: she to her life; he to his.

And now their paths were about to cross again ... thirty years and two lifetimes later.

                  *                            *                            *

The author sat in the deserted hotel bar and nervously toyed with his half-empty wineglass. He always had been one to choose the half-empty side of the half-full/half-empty debate.

How would Joanna look after thirty years?  How would he look to her after thirty years?  He silently chastised himself for his three decades of overindulgence in pizza, Italian beef, barbecued ribs, fast food, beer, junk food, and fried chicken.  His gluttony loudly indicted itself with a self-conscious roll around his midsection and general pudginess everywhere else.  He wistfully wondered if another glass of wine would somehow melt those extra pounds away before she arrived.

He decided to have another one anyway and take his chances.

Fifteen minutes late (some things with Joanna never changed), an attractive, full-figured woman nervously entered the bar and looked around.  Two pairs of eyes met and immediately locked onto each other just as they'd done at that bar back in 1985.  Two smiles burst brightly like homing beacons welcoming two lost ships passing in the night.  She hurried over to his table and opened her arms to her onetime lover. 

After the usual kisses and hugs, they sat down and ordered a bottle of wine.  As though by never-forgotten instinct, they reached across the table for one another and held hands.  "Jo, you're looking better than ever," he said, pleasantly surprised at the sensuality this sixty-year-old woman still radiated.  "You haven't changed a bit."

"I'm glad you're a better writer than you are a BS'er, Ross," she laughed heartily.  "Maybe I haven't changed, but my legs, thighs, and buns sure have.  I've gotta join a gym sometime and start shaping up."

"It happens to the best of us," he answered.  "The years and the pounds have a way of creeping up when you're not looking."

He couldn't help but marvel at how little of her vitality and energy had been claimed by the years.  True, she wasn't the Joanna of 1985.  By some yardsticks, she was overweight; by others, simply Rubenesque.  But that characteristic liveliness and that irresistible twinkle in her eyes--though slightly dimmed--were still undeniably there.  Her hair was still perfectly coiffured in that same perky short style of hers, but the red—not her own, by her own admission--had mellowed into a subdued salt-and-pepper.  While showing the trials and tribulations of her life, most of the inner woman he had fallen for so long ago was still alive and well.

In an unguarded moment--likely fueled by the wine he shouldn't have consumed before her arrival--he began calculating the odds.

"Being a writer seems to agree with you," she said.  "So, how does it feel to have a best-seller?" she asked, forcing him to set his reverie aside. 

He sipped at his wine and grinned self-consciously.  "I've been very lucky," he replied breezily.  "There were a lot of times when I almost threw the damned thing back into the closet and forgot about it.  I wish I could say it all came easily, but that's not the way it happened."

She gave his hand an affectionate squeeze.  "But you stuck with it and made it happen.  I’m proud of you."

"I'll let you in on a little secret," he chuckled, "I stopped more often than a cheap watch.  To this day, I don't know how that book ever got written."

"But it got written and people like it.  I've been following the reviews; everybody loves it.  I can't pass a book-rack without seeing Child of Privilege out there."  She added with a slight blush, "I have to resist the urge to tell everyone that I used to sleep with the author."

"That and eight bucks will buy you a cup of coffee," he snickered.

Her gentle laughter sliced through both the years and the calluses that had hardened upon his soul.  On the surface, he was forced to admit to himself that they were different people now, changed forever by the pain of an ill-fated love affair and the separate paths their lives had taken.  But, far beneath those ten-thousand-plus days, something within him had begun to stir once again from three decades of slumber.

Those old feelings were unexpectedly rekindling from the ashes of that final argument that propelled them from each others lives.  He caught himself asking whimsical questions about love lost and love found.  He caught himself asking if a thread from that far in the past could be picked up again and woven into something warm, vibrant, and so beautifully alive again.

He caught himself asking just how possible it might be.

"Ross, you're blushing," she giggled.  "Still the quiet shy guy, huh?"

Unwilling to indulge himself any further, he scrambled to change the subject.  "So, what's been happening with you?" he stammered.  "Bring me up to date."

As the minutes ticked away and matured into hours, the bottle of White Zinfandel slowly but surely emptied only to be replaced by another.  The conversation meandered across the streams and meadows of her life: her career as a teacher of special-needs children; a wonderful, down-to-earth man named Jerry whom she eventually married; the two fur babies who served as the couple's surrogate children when problems with her ovaries were discovered; her joy and fulfillment at serving as an unofficial aunt to the neighborhood children; and the devastation of coming home from work that tragic day to find Jerry lying on the kitchen floor, the victim of a sudden and massive heart attack. 

Now, she was outwardly anxious to ease away from a painful memory.  "After I was out of the picture, did you ever get married?" she asked.

He hesitated for a few moments.  "I thought I was close a couple of times," he replied wistfully, winking at her and squeezing her hand softly, "but I never did meet Miss Right.  It seems like whenever somebody came along, my heart went somewhere else."

"Let me guess: your writing." 

He spoke of his unfathomable urge to write novels he knew would likely never see the light of day.  But he wrote them anyway only to sadly consign them to the lonely obscurity of his closet.  He related the tale of self-publishing for the digital reader market, scratching and clawing for every review and promotional opportunity he could muster.  The sadness was clearly written on his face as Joanna heard his stories of setbacks, rejections, discouragement, and mounting frustration as his dream remained so far beyond his reach.

Then, through the intervention of an influential book blogger, his novel found its way into the right pair of hands ... and life for the unknown and obscure novelist would never be the same.  Joanna listened happily as her onetime lover energetically spun tales of agents, publishers, editors, rewrites, interviews, book signings, and his novel's unstoppable climb up the best-seller list.  She had rarely seen him so alive, determined, joyful, and animated as when he was talking about writing and his book.

She found herself wondering if their paths were somehow fated to cross again.  She also found herself wondering if love’s incredible lightning could indeed strike twice.

It wasn't long before the second bottle of wine was gone, expended in the noble cause of reviving two lifetimes of memories.

After emptying her glass, Joanna gestured toward the door and asked, "Grant Park is right across the street.  Wanna go for a walk and get all this wine out of our heads?"

They arrived a few minutes later at the slender corridor of green space that served as downtown Chicago’s majestic front lawn.  A portrait of autumnal beauty—with Lake Michigan forming a cloudless blue backdrop—greeted them with a storybook fall landscape.  The trees had already surrendered their foliage to the short days and crisp nights, covering the ground with a lush carpet of red, crimson, gold, and yellow leaves which rustled in a brisk, uncharacteristically warm mid-October breeze.  Nearby, the lake’s rippling waters glistened in the waning golden sunlight.
Although situated in the heart of a major city, Grant Park was strangely peaceful and quiet that day as though being lulled into winter slumber by nature’s inexorable clock.  It was a setting ideal for reflection, memories, and quiet conversation.

Joanna and the author walked hand-in-hand, sharing the natural beauty surrounding them.  It wasn't long before they both stopped as though following some sort of internal cue, turned to each other, and kissed in the fading Midwestern sunshine.  The kiss wasn't of passion, it was of longing; it wasn't of giddy romantic love, it was of the rekindling and rebirth of familiar intimacy; it wasn't sexy, it was sensual.

The two ex-lovers gazed into one another's eyes for several hesitant moments, and then sought out each others lips again.  This time, the kiss was longer, deeper, saying much more, warming the autumn wind with its heat.  Without a word, he drew her to him, enveloped Joanna in his arms, and silently said what his heart had neglected to say thirty years ago.  She nestled in his arms and pulled him even closer to her, close enough for him to feel the fullness of her breasts pressing into his chest.  Three decades of separation fell away like the gaily-colored leaves tumbling groundward around them.  There was something in the air ... a sense of anticipation ... a feeling of rebirth ... a promise of renewal blossoming amidst nature’s season of dying and fading away.

They were nearly breathless when their lips reluctantly eased apart.  Joanna's voice quivered slightly as her inviting green eyes locked onto his.  "I beg your pardon, sir," she said.  "I think you just kissed me."

"And I think you just kissed me back," he replied with a knowing smile.

She drew a deep breath.  "I think you're right."

"Jo, I'm scheduled for a book signing on the Mag Mile this evening; maybe two or three hours at the most.  Then I'm free until my flight to Minneapolis leaves tomorrow morning.  Would you like to come back to the hotel with me? 

That still-beautiful face furrowed into a rare frown.  "Would I like to?" she asked.  "Hell, YES!"  She eased out of his embrace and took several steps back as though suddenly needing room to breathe.  She looked back toward him.  "But am I able to?"  She shook her head sadly.  "No, Ross, I'm not."

"I don’t understand, Jo.  That was no casual, friendly kiss."

She turned away from him again and brushed a tear from her eyes.  "Ross, I swear to God, I had no idea this was going to happen.  I had no idea that seeing you again would stir up so many feelings from thirty years ago.  All this time, I assumed what we had was dead and buried ... ancient history, you know?  I thought we'd reached a point where I was just one woman from your past and you were just one man from mine."

She turned back to face him and the shocked expression he wore.  "When I sent you that email, I thought we'd get together for a few hours, have a few drinks, a few laughs, talk about the old days, and then give each other a hug and get back to our own lives.  I'm not ashamed to tell you straight out that seeing you again has brought up a lot of old feelings, feelings that a part of me wants to act on; and I think I know you well enough to sense that you’re feeling the same way."

"Would that be so terrible?" he asked.

"Ross, if I was free to do what my heart was telling me, we'd be walking back to your hotel ... and we'd be walking real fast.  I'd spend tonight with you, and over breakfast we'd be talking about the chances of maybe giving things another try.  Is that what you’re feeling?"

He answered softly, "That's exactly what I’m feeling."

Through a deep, troubled sigh, she shook her head and declared, "I'm sorry ... it just can't happen."

"Why not, Jo?"

She glanced skyward as though searching the pastel blue autumn sky for help.  "Because there's somebody else in my life."

"You didn't mention anyone but Jerry while we were in the bar."

She chuckled nervously and kicked at a cluster of leaves at her feet.  "That’s because I didn't know how you'd react."

"Joanna, react to what?  Did you get married again?  Are you engaged?  Committed to someone?  Why don't you just tell me right out?"

"You want me to tell you about the person I'm committed to?  Okay, Ross, I'll tell you."  She moved back toward him and grasped his hands.  "Her name is Jeannie, and she's been my partner and my lover for a couple of years now.  That's who I'm committed to."

His expression froze as though his brain had slammed on the brakes and skidded to a screeching halt.  For the longest time, he waited for something to rise up from within him to define and drive his reaction to Joanna's revelation.  But nothing came out.  His emotions--normally intrusive and sometimes contradictory forces--were nowhere to be found.

How the hell do I react to this? he kept asking himself.  Should I be angry?  Should I be happy for her?  Should I feel contempt toward her?  Should I be repulsed?  Should I be pleased?  Should I feel betrayed?  Should I be agreeable?  Should I feel humiliated that the woman I loved was attracted to other women?  Should I ... WHAT?!

Without a word, he gently eased his hands from hers and moved away from her, turning away as though searching for the feelings that had abandoned him at this crucial moment.  All the familiar emotional forces that he'd relied upon all his life seemed suddenly trapped behind a wall of numbness, waiting for him to make this decision without them. 

Come on, damn you, he fumed, feel something!

But the circuits were overloaded and burning out, one after another.   Information was flying in all directions and being scrambled into gibberish.  Viewpoints, beliefs, values, and opinions were colliding with each other in mid-air like the autumn leaves and falling to the ground as flaming wreckage.  Hurricane Joanna had come ashore again and swept away the trusted signposts and landmarks that had guided him throughout his life.

Like it or not, this was a different situation, in a different time, involving a different person, and requiring a different reaction.

"Hey, Ross," she pleaded, "talk to me, huh?"

His mental scale wasn't merely knocked out of balance; it was on the verge of tipping over completely.

He turned back to face her, still at an undignified distance.  "Would you tell me something, Jo?" he asked, appearing quite overwhelmed.

"Like what?"

He swallowed deeply.  "When we were together, were you--"

"No, I wasn't," she replied briskly.

"How do you know what I was going to say?" he asked, a glimmer of annoyance in his voice.

"I lived with you for two years, remember?  And you are rather ... predictable."

"Okay, smarty.  What was I going to say?"

"You were going to ask if I was attracted to other women while we were together, and the answer is no.  Maybe it was always a part of me; I don’t know.  But I never really felt it or acted on it until I met Jeannie, and that was about a year or so after Jerry died."  She took a few tentative steps toward him in an attempt to bridge what had become an uncomfortable distance between the two ex-lovers; he did likewise.

"Are you … happy with Jeannie?"

She nodded, "Very much so."

"Is she good for you?"

"She's my roomie, my lover, my traveling companion, my friend, my sounding board, my confidante, my toughest critic, and my game-day bud all rolled into one."

He considered her answer for a few moments and then shrugged his shoulders.  “I guess the times they are a-changin’.”

“You always knew so much about music,” she laughed.  “When did that come out?”

“Oh, ’64 or ’65.”

“That’s a long time ago.”

“And fifty years later, the times are still a-changin’.”

“Times change, people change, attitudes change; ya gotta get with the program, Ross.”

He released a deep, resigned sigh.  "I guess anything goes these days.  What the hell.  If it works for you, who am I to say anything?"

She looked directly into his eyes.  "Are you mad at me?"

"Does it matter?"

"It does to me."

The author looked at her for a few moments, a bemused expression on his face.  Without a word, he opened his arms to her and they shared a quick, conciliatory hug.  Then, almost with a sense of relief, their hands joined again.  “No, I’m not mad at you, Jo.  Shocked as hell maybe, but not mad.  Considering how many times we made love while we were together, I guess I never figured you were a lesbian.”

“I don’t really consider myself a lesbian,” she countered with a shrug of her shoulders.  “The person I chose to spend my life with just happens to be a woman.”

He comically raised his arms to the sky and pompously intoned, "You have my blessing.  Go forth and conquer the world, my child."

"If I'm your child, then this is one very sick relationship."

Dispelling the awkwardness of the last few minutes, they laughed heartily, all the time still holding hands.  "You’re always full of surprises, aren’t you?” he said.

“And you wouldn’t have it any other way.”

She was right.

“Ross, you're an old fuddy-duddy, but you're okay."

"Joanna, of all the red-haired girls in this world, you’re my all-time favorite."

“Never a dull moment with me, huh?” she laughed.

Rolling his eyes, he answered, “I have to admit that I would’ve appreciated one of those every now and then.”

She shook her head.  “Ain’t never gonna happen.”

Sensing the impending end of their reunion, Joanna and the author fell into each others arms and kissed each other again.  This time, however, the intimacy was colored with a sense of sadness, of departure, of farewell, of not knowing when their paths might cross again; it felt very ninth-inning.

When their lips parted, she looked directly into his eyes and sensed the very same pallor of regret that was momentarily dampening her own normally-ebullient spirit.

Neither one truly wanted to let go … of that moment … of their memories … of passion unexpectedly reawakened … and of each other.

But it was time to move on.

“I’d better get going before we do something I’ll have a hard time explaining later,” she whispered.

“I think I’ll head back to the hotel and catch a quick nap before the signing tonight.  Tomorrow, I’m off to Minneapolis.  Time and tide and book tours wait for no man.”

“So, when’s your next book coming out?”

“At the rate it’s going, my grandchildren will have to finish it,” he chuckled worriedly.  “I keep running into one problem after another.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ll even finish the damned thing at all.”

She fixed her eyes to his, an uncharacteristic seriousness in her tone.  “Ross, I want you to promise me something.”

“Promise you what?”

“I want you to promise me that you will finish that book and get it out there.”

“Jo, it’s not that simple,” he demurred.  “I don’t like to make promises that—“

“Ross, I want you to promise me that you’ll get it done,” she repeated even more sternly.

Her facial expression—her eyes in particular—belied an urgency that Joanna didn’t often display.  He knew from experience that she was not joking by any means.  That stalled second novel seemed to hold some sort of special significance for her.  Clearly uneasy about making this commitment, he nevertheless embraced it … for her.
“Okay, Joanna,” he answered, “I’ll finish it and get it out there.  You have my word on it.”

“I’ll be waiting for my copy.”

“You’ll get it.”

“And I’ll expect it to be personally inscribed and autographed by the author.”

“Anything else?” he asked with half-hearted sarcasm.

After a moment’s thought, she smiled broadly and replied, “Yeah.  Dedicate it to your favorite red-haired girl.”

“What am I going to do with you?” he asked in mock disdain. 

“You’re gonna do me a favor.”

Suddenly, she reached into her shoulder bag and pulled out a pen and a paperback book with a cover very familiar to the author.  “I would’ve kicked myself if I’d forgotten about this.  On my way to the hotel, I stopped at a bookstore and picked up a copy of Child of Privilege.  Would you autograph it for me?”

Visibly touched by his ex-lover’s gesture, the author paused for a moment, then started scribbling on the inside cover.  “I’ll do better than that.”

“Don’t write anything dirty, okay?  I want this to be a keepsake.”

After he handed the book back to her, she opened it and read his words aloud: “I lovingly dedicate this book to Joanna, my favorite red-haired girl.  I’ll always treasure your laughter, your smile, and your love.  I’ll always treasure the moment in time that we were together.  Most of all, I’ll always treasure you.  Thank you for always being my favorite red-haired girl.  All my love forever, Ross.”

The golden autumn sunlight betrayed the presence of a tear in her eyes as she gazed at him in unabashed admiration.  “You are a writer.  Don’t ever forget that.”

“I won’t.”

“And don’t forget that I’m waiting for that second novel.  You promised.”

“You’ll get it.  I promise.”

With a sense of great reluctance, they shared one longing, final embrace in the middle of Grant Park.  Neither wanted to let go of the other, to let go of what they’d shared that afternoon, or to let go of those feelings from three decades past.

But the fading sunlight was heralding the end of the day.

“There’s a little corner of my heart that’ll always be yours,” she whispered in his ear, emotion choking her voice.  “I love you, Ross.”

He held her tighter and kissed her cheek.  Teardrops began to sting his eyes.  “I love you, Joanna.  Always.”

With that patented smile of hers failing miserably to mask her tears, she eased himself from his arms, gave her former lover a quick wave, briskly turned, and started walking away.  He stood there, wanting to sear into his mind that last image of Joanna as she strode toward the Loop.

She had gone perhaps fifty feet when she abruptly stopped and turned back to face him.  “I just want you to know," she said, "that … I came so close to … spending tonight with you.  Ya still got it, kid.  See ya.”

A few minutes later, she disappeared into the noise, hubbub, and crowds of Chicago’s Loop. 

She was gone.

      *                                         *                                     *

The package arrived at the author’s home nearly a year to the day of that autumn afternoon.  His hands nearly shaking with anticipation, he ripped the heavy cardboard box open to be greeted with a mosaic of colors, graphics, and artistic fonts.

Welcome to the world, novel number two, he declared silently.  I hope you do even better than your older sister did.

He opened one of the paperback books, thumbed through the first pages and stopped.  A satisfied smile crossed his face as he read his own words: “I lovingly dedicate this book to Joanna, my favorite red-haired girl.  I’ll always treasure your laughter, your smile, and your love.  I’ll always treasure the moment in time that we were together.  Most of all, I’ll always treasure you.  Ya still got it, kid.  Love ya!”

Later than evening, he sat at his computer, but the words to novel number three weren’t coming just yet.  He poured another glass of wine, leaned back in his chair, and surrendered himself to the sense of relief and satisfaction that one of those newly-arrived books had been inscribed, signed, packaged, handed to the Postal Service, and was en route at that very moment to its intended recipient.

The author had fulfilled his promise to Joanna.  A good reason for a toast, he concluded, a damned good reason.

                   *                                 *                              *

One email stood out among the rest waiting patiently in the author’s Inbox: the one from Joanna’s email address.  Over a month had passed since he had sent his second novel to her.  So, what did she think of it? he wondered.  Like an excited child on Christmas morning, he opened the message and quickly began to read.

He had barely finished the first paragraph when he felt his throat constrict.  His vision blurred so badly that he was forced to turn his eyes away from the computer screen.

Joanna was dead.

At first, he couldn’t comprehend it.  He read and reread those words, but their heartbreaking message wouldn’t change.  How could a woman so full of life, so full of energy, and so full of joy be dead?  The author wondered if the email was some sort of sick joke.  Joanna?  Dead?  No.  It just didn’t seem possible.

After the first wave of tears had subsided, he continued reading the email which had been written by her partner Jeannie. 

Two weeks ago, Joanna and Jeannie had embarked on a camping trip into the Canadian wilderness.  After a long day of hiking, the two women had set up camp and were relaxing before preparing dinner.  She recalled Joanna being engrossed in his novel which she’d finished just before supper.

Later, as the women were preparing their sleeping bags for the night, Joanna suffered what was described as a massive stroke and was instantly paralyzed.  She fell helplessly to the ground, only semi-aware of her surroundings.  Minutes later, she died peacefully in her partner’s arms, surrounded by towering pine trees, cool breezes, a glorious sunset, and the quiet beauty of Mother Nature.

Jeannie offhandedly noted that Joanna had spent the entire evening meal literally gushing over his novel and telling some truly embarrassing stories about him.

He derived some token comfort in knowing that he had kept his final promise to her.  Perhaps his humble words were among the last to echo through her mind before she departed this life. 

The weeping started again.  He couldn’t stop it; nor did he want to.  Sadly, he turned off his computer, plunging the room into darkness, a darkness that paled in comparison to the darkness that had descended upon his soul.  He opened another bottle of wine, settled back in his chair, and cried for hours.

               *                                   *                               *

Perhaps drawing strength and inspiration from his ex-lover’s spirit, the author proceeded to pen an unprecedented string of novels, each capturing millions of readers’ imaginations and climbing to the heights of the best-seller list.  He soon became a stellar author and a ubiquitous presence on the world’s book-racks.

In the most fitting way he knew—though his words—he vowed to keep her memory alive.  Into each of his succeeding novels was written a character possessing at least some of Joanna’s qualities.  During those long hours of writing, there were times when he could almost feel her hugging him again as she had done on that autumn afternoon in Chicago.

On the dedication page of every novel he would write were these heartfelt words:

“I lovingly dedicate this book to Joanna, my favorite red-haired girl.  I’ll always treasure your laughter, your smile, and your love.  I’ll always treasure the moment in time that we were together.  Most of all, I’ll always treasure you.  Thank you for always being my favorite red-haired girl.  Ya still got it, kid.  Love ya!”

The End.

Your comments are welcome.

Copyright © 2015 Ross Ponderson
All Rights Reserved


Monday, September 14, 2015

Mister Retailer, Tear Down This Virtual Operator



My journey began when I’d ordered a specialized audio cable from an online retailer.  Of course, the part was out of stock and required a back-order from the factory in Outer Mongolia.  After it finally arrived at my front door—two months later—I happily installed it only to discover that it was dead on arrival ... Stiff City ... nonfunctional ... kaput … pronounce it, doctor.


After slogging through fourteen pages of fine print—we’re not talking magnifying glass here; we’re talking microscope--in 116 languages, I finally located the retailer’s English-language return policy:


“...We will happily accept returned merchandise under the following conditions: that it has not been opened; that it has not been used; that it has not been connected to electricity; that it has not been connected to any devices; that it has not been touched by human hands; that it has not been exposed to light of any kind; that it has not been exposed to air of any kind; that it has not been looked upon by human eyes; that all parts, accessories, and component parts are included and have been exactly repackaged in their original wrapping; that the outermost container has been shrink-wrapped—at the customer’s expense--to new condition; and that the original order was placed on February 31st of the current calendar year...”
  
Sounds pretty liberal compared to some policies I’ve seen.

However, the next line of sub-molecular print sent a chill through me: “Please call our automated Customer Support Line to obtain return authorization.”

 Oh no!

 Automated Customer Support Line?  To paraphrase that mournful 1960’s folk song, where have all the people gone?  Has humanity been outsourced to a sterile universe inhabited by databases, servers, routers, electronically-reproduced voices, and decision trees, and governed by cost-cutting, spreadsheets, and efficiency studies?  Computers don’t care about mistreated consumers.  Computers don’t concern themselves with customers dying of old age while waiting for some other computer on the other side of the cosmos to issue return authorizations.  Computers rarely visit that e-mausoleum packed with virtual customer corpses who were entombed while still clutching purchase receipts and begging for return authorizations.

I would prefer visiting a DMV Facility, applying for a bank loan, submitting to a job interview, enduring a root canal, or listening to 24 consecutive hours of paid political announcements rather than attempting to navigate a phone tree. 

Lord, please deliver me from the day when I’ll be forced to explain myself to a computer.

But, the Almighty apparently pays no heed to the pleadings of indie authors and customers needing to return merchandise.

So, I dialed the phone and began an odyssey that would all too quickly degenerate into a sadistic virtual pinball game running amok.  I knew I was in trouble when I was greeted with:

“Hello.  Your call is important to us.  In order to serve you more efficiently, we have recently installed a voice-command-recognition system.  When our Virtual Operator greets you, simply speak slowly and distinctly, and we will happily assist you.”

Oh no again!  I’d been consigned to voice-command-recognition hell.  I knew instantly that I was destined for a nightmare far worse than the DMV visit, the bank loan, the job interview, the root canal, and the paid political announcements combined. 

This was the absolute bottom of the Heaven / Purgatory / Hell / Voice-Command-Recognition-Hell hierarchy of the afterlife.  In the vastness of the firmament, there is no punishment more universally dreaded and feared.

Lord, what did I do to deserve this?  You wouldnt’ve allowed this to happen to me if I’d written a best-seller.  You wouldn’t force Grisham, Turow, Roberts, Rowling, or Patterson to converse with some voice-command-recognition android, would you?

Of course not; a slot on the best-seller list does have its privileges.

After 15 minutes of listening to some truly crummy music on the phone, I felt the first pain stick (Trekkers will know what that means) being jabbed deeply into my ribs:

“Hello.  I’m your Virtual Operator and I’ll be happy to assist you.  Your call is important to us.  Please choose from the following options.  To place an order, say “out of stock.”  To join our mailing list, say “spam.”  To receive our hot specials flyers, say “more spam.”  To open a new account, say “no privacy.”  To cancel an order, say “no way...”

What I really WANTED to say was apparently not an option.  I must’ve briefly dozed off because the next thing I heard was:

“....  To check the status of a repair, say “whenever.”  To check the status of your shipment, say “lost.”  To order a CD of our really awful background music, say “noise.”  To hear about employment opportunities with us, say “indentured servitude.”  To hear a generic personalized message from our company president, say “advertisement.”  For the weather forecast for Antarctica, say “brrrrr.”  To hear testimonials from some of our employees, say “coerced…”

I indulged in another quick snooze.  When I woke up:

“...For warranty information, say “not covered.”  To hear about our super clearance items, say “unsold junk.”  To apply for our credit card, say “rejected.”  To hear what I look like naked, say “pervert.”  To purchase our gift card, say “worthless.”  To hear about my favorite sexual position, say “doing it.”  For help with a gambling problem, say “I’ll bet.”  To hear me talk dirty to you, say “yeah baby....”

Finally:

“To return a purchase, say “forget it.”

Eureka!  An upward movement on the evil phone tree ... or was it?  Encouraged by my foolish optimism, I quickly repeated the magic words only to be answered with:

“Your call is important to us.  We’re here to serve you.  Please tell me what item you’d like to return so that I may route your call to the proper department.”

I already had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It wouldn’t take long for it to travel further south.  Enough said.

Since I was returning an audio cable, I replied, “Audio cable.”

Makes sense, doesn’t it?  Not to the Virtual Operator.

“You’re returning a kitchen table?  Your call is important to us.  I’ll be happy to connect you with our Furniture Department.”

“No, no, no,” I countered.  “I’m returning a—“

“You’re returning a garden gnome?  Your call is important to us.  I’ll be happy to connect you with our Lawn and Garden Department.”

“I’m returning an audio cable,” I insisted.  “An audio cable.”

“You’re returning a patio table?  Your call is important to us.  I’ll be happy to connect you with our Outdoor Furniture Department.”

“DAMN!” I growled into the phone.

“You’re returning a fan?  Your call is important to us.  I’ll be happy to connect you with our Hardware Department.”

“I’m returning an au-di-o ca-ble!” I shouted, emphasizing each of the 5 syllables.

“You’re returning an auto radio?  Your call is important to us.  I’ll be happy to connect you with our Automotive Department.”

At this point, my frustration was mounting quickly; but I wasn’t yet ready to surrender to this synthesized simpleton.

“AU-DI-O CA-BLE,” I repeated through clenched teeth.  “AU-DI-O CA-BLE.”

“You’re returning a baby cradle?  Your call is important to us.  I’ll be happy to connect you with our Nursery Furnishings Department.”

I give up.  I Surrender.  Wave the white flag.  Cut me, Mick.  Throw in the towel and stop the fight.  I’d been stopped dead in my tracks by a digital dingbat who had defeated me with artificial intelligence, an artificial voice, and an artificial personality.  I’d been outmaneuvered by an artificial e-being capable of nothing more than climbing up and down an artificial decision tree.

To quote Curley Howard, everybody’s favorite Stooge: “I was a victim of coicumstance.”  

It’s finally happened, I seethed.  Mankind has become ‘a victim of coicumstance.’  Technology has finally taken over the world.  Machines have at last triumphed over man.  WE are now serving THEM; not the other way around.  WE must now conduct our daily business by THEIR parameters.  We’ve finally been assimilated by the Borg; returning something is futile; humanity is irrelevant.

It was a sad day in this author’s world.

In a near-whisper, I mumbled to myself, “What do I have to do to return a stinkin’ audio cable?”

“You’re returning an audio cable?  Your call is important to us.  I’ll be happy to connect you with our Electronics Department.”

Wha?  Maybe there was still some glimmer of hope!

“Yes, I’m returning an audio cable!” I rejoiced.  “YES!  PLEASE!  THANK YOU!!”  In my elation, I neglected to consider the insanity of being polite to a collection of circuits, chips, and software.

After waiting 20 more minutes on hold and enduring the mind-numbing drone of truly nauseating music, I heard a connection being made to yet another machine menace that welcomed me with all the warmth and sincerity of an LCD display.  “Thank you for contacting the Electronics Returns Department.  Your call is important to us.  We’re here to serve you.  The estimated wait time to speak to a representative is currently 36 hours.  Would you like to hold?”

My blood pressure clocked in 450/300 and rising fast.  “No, I wouldn’t like to hold, you miserable piece of—“

“I’m sorry.  I do not understand your response.  Your call is important to us.  To serve you more efficiently, I’ll transfer you to the Virtual Operator so that—“

 Another series of clicks warned me that the gates of cyber-hell were about to open a little wider, enticing me to draw closer to the flames.  I was then greeted by a soft female voice so tiny and distant that it was nearly inaudible.  Her voice sounded as though it were emanating from the farthest reaches of the Delta Quadrant.  “This is the Electronics Department.  How may I assist you?”

What?  Had I finally lost it?  Had senility finally set in?  Or had my plaintive cry for help been mercifully answered by—of all things—an actual live human being complete with human vital signs, a human brain, and perhaps a scintilla of human compassion for another human being hopelessly ensnared in the diabolical web of automated Customer Support.

And they said the age of miracles was over.

To paraphrase Captain Montgomery Scott’s immortal line from that Star Trek movie, “There be HUMANS here!”  The Customer Support Universe is not yet the exclusive domain of computers, decision trees, synthesized voices, and truly crappy music.  Raise the flag and salute a small victory for mankind; the people are still in charge.  Perhaps the Virtual Operator should cook up some FIREHOUSE-HOT jalapeƱo dip and eat its own chips.  I hope it gets a case of heartburn that fries its logic circuits and sends its decision tree up in flames.

My inner celebration completed, I recovered quickly and answered the human person to whom I was speaking.  “Yes, I’d like to return an audio cable.  Could you help me with that, please?”

“I’m sorry,” she answered, “I’m not authorized to accept returns.  But your call is important to us.  I’ll transfer you back to the Virtual Operator so you can be properly routed.  Please hold.”

Properly routed?  Perhaps properly REAMED would’ve been more appropriate.

“No, please wait--” I pleaded weakly.  Too late.  I’d already been held, subjected to truly awful music, transferred, routed, mis-routed, re-routed, re-re-routed, through-routed, connected, disconnected, and re-connected; now I was being dragged screaming and kicking back to Square One to again face the synthesized stupidity of the Virtual Operator.

The next twenty minutes were devoted to listening to yet more truly wretched music and waiting for the Sword of Damocles to come crashing down on my skull.

“Your call is important to us.  We’re here to serve you.  Please speak slowly and distinctly, and tell me what item you’d like to return so that I may route your call to the proper department.”

Blood pressure: 800/600 and climbing.

“ROUTE THIS, VIRTUAL OPERATOR,” I bellowed, “TAKE YOUR VOICE-COMMAND-RECOGNITION AND SHOVE IT!”

“You’re returning a shovel?  Your call is important to us.  I’ll be happy to connect you with our Hardware Department.”

That did it.  I decided it was time for us humans to stand proudly and mount one final act of defiance and honor before submitting forever to the machines.  If I and my fellow humans were destined to be subservient to technology, I, for one, was going down with my fists flying.

I wonder if Custer felt this way enroute to Little Big Horn. 

Behold … Homo sapiens’ last stand.

“I GOT YOUR VIRTUAL OPERATOR RIGHT HERE!” I shouted.  “ASSIMILATE THIS!  WHY DON’T YOU GO expletive expletive expletive AND expletive expletive?!  STICK THAT IN YOUR DECISION TREE!  NOW GO ROUTE THAT PROPERLY!”

Expecting something—although I had no idea what—in the way of decision-tree-based retaliation, I heard an extended series of clicks as though I were being pinballed around the world several times.  Finally, the connection went silent, but my curiosity compelled me to hang on for a few more moments.

“You’re returning an (expletive) (expletive) (expletive) and (expletive) (expletive)?  Your call is important to us.  I’ll be happy to connect you with the (expletive) (expletive) (expletive) and (expletive) (expletive) Department.”

I was officially the vanquished owner of a thoroughly useless audio cable.

But this entire exercise wasn’t a total loss.  Before I hung up, my writer’s thirst for knowledge drove me to investigate those options tantalizingly represented by “pervert,” “doing it,” and “yeah baby.”

As a result of that vital scientific research, the Virtual Operator has just become a principal character in my next book.

The novel’s working title?

The Thing That Ate Virtual Operators.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

A September Song: the calm before the storm.

August of 2015 has taken its place in the history books, stepping aside to allow September to take center stage for its brief moment in time.  Before we know it, the year’s ninth month will likewise join its dog days predecessor on Memory Lane.  But for now, this is September’s turn to shine on time’s unrelenting stage.

Behold, the beginning of my undisputed favorite season of the year.

We’ve already lost more than an hour’s daylight since the peak of Sol’s warming power back in late June.  Most schools are back in session now much to the dismay of billions of students; the sigh of relief likewise breathed by billions of American moms is almost deafening (“Finally, I have the house to myself!”).  Retailers across America are tallying up their profits from their “back-to-school” sales.

The baseball season is winding down as the out-of-contention teams play out their schedules and call up hopeful prospects from the minor leagues to “show us what you’ve got.”  The playoff contenders, on the other hand, are gearing up for the season’s home stretch and plotting strategies to be one of the “IN” teams once the rough-and-tumble jockeying for coveted playoff berths has ended.

True die-hard baseball fans are already dreaming about the upcoming playoffs and the generations-old thrills of the Fall Classic now mere weeks away.

Football’s preseason tweaking is nearly done as teams survey the gridiron landscape and start mapping out their pressure-packed crusades to a Super Bowl championship.  Pigskins and players alike will be flying through the air with reckless abandon in pursuit of the “Hail Mary” pass, the extra yard, the first down, and the “plane of the goal line” so near yet so far away.

January gridiron glory (as well as product endorsements and commercials up the wazoo) await that group of men equal to this Herculean task; the rest will need to content themselves with the ubiquitous wait 'til next year.


Will the last team standing again be the group from New England with their deflated balls (don't even think about commenting!)?  Could it be the team from the Mile-High City with their air-loving quarterback?  Perhaps a sleeper team like the retooled, rebuilt, and restaffed Chicago Bears will emerge from their hibernation and stake out their dens within the mountain of Super Bowl gold.

Who knows?

The American football season is the stuff of bar room wagers, Sunday afternoons of pizza, nachos, and beer, and Monday-morning quarterbacking at the office water cooler.  It’s an autumn ritual like raking leaves, storing away the lawn furniture, and getting reacquainted with your favorite sweatshirt.

And it starts in September … right now.

Not about to be left out of the fall sports euphoria, hoop fans and hockey fans are also anxiously awaiting tip-offs and face-offs as they anticipate three-pointers and slap shots being driven into the opposing team’s nets by their home-team superstars.

In sports bars across the country, basketball fans are again plotting to ensure that LeBron James is again deprived of an NBA championship ring; hockey fans are likewise calculating the odds of the Chicago Blackhawks capturing yet another Stanley Cup.

On a more natural plane, the grasp of summer’s oppressive heat and humidity will soon be broken and meekly surrender to pleasantly cool days and crisp nights.

I so look forward to Mother Nature’s annual fall color spectacular as she paints her domain with a brilliant palette of red, gold, yellow, orange, and crimson.  As though bidding us a fond farewell before the stark days of winter, the trees explode with vitality one last time in the waning sunlight and chilly autumn air before surrendering their colorful finery to the ground and falling quiet until next spring.

What could be more soul-satisfying than a lazy autumn stroll with the crunch of leaves underfoot, the fading sunshine, the invigorating breezes, and that distinctive “scent” of approaching snow in the air?

Autumn is such a sad, melancholy time.  Perhaps because it is—of course--a season of endings: of hot weather, thunderstorms, iced tea, lemonade, picnics, days at the beach, playing outdoors, warm nights, cooling breezes, gardening, and long, lazy afternoons dozing on the porch swing.  However, within its brief embrace, nature consoles us with fall colors, apple cider, pumpkin pie, the harvest moon, frosty nights, sweatshirts, hayrides, hot toddies, and the abundant harvest from the farmer’s labors.

But this season is also one of promise: of the first snowfall, the upcoming holiday season, hot chocolate, family gatherings, candy canes, icicles, holiday dinners, Santa Claus, snowball fights, those wonderful generations-old carols, egg nog, cuddling under a blanket before the fireplace, and all those special (and sometimes delightfully silly) moments that are born of that “most wonderful time of the year.”

With autumn’s arrival, you can juuuuust see it all on the horizon.

Don’t worry; it’s coming.  As soon as the nights become long and decidedly cold, things will start happening quickly.

By mid-October, many retailers will already be decked out in their holiday merchandising best.  I fully expect to see the first Santa Claus well before Halloween‘s ghosts and goblins have embarked upon their annual trick-or-treat trek (try saying THAT 5 times fast!).  Christmas carols will be in the air and blending with the tantalizing aroma of Thanksgiving turkeys.

Be forewarned: the supermarket will find the Christmas turkeys fighting the Thanksgiving birds for freezer space.

Be careful, dear reader; it could get bloody in there!

Once the holiday frenzy reaches its insane peak, psychiatrists everywhere will be treating patients tormented by nightmares of being buried alive by avalanches of cranberry sauce, dressing, mashed potatoes, and gravy.  Millions of people will cry out for relief from beloved Christmas carols so cruelly mangled into mindless merchandising jingles.  The ghosts of turkeys past, present, and future will roam the earth to avenge the people who had feasted upon them.

Calorie counts will soar out of control like the national debt.  For those of us who simply cannot resist the temptation of an extra mug of egg nog or one last cream puff (ME!), Congress will have no choice but to enact emergency legislation requiring each and every American to purchase and carry Christmas Gluttony Insurance.  This law will come to be known as … you guessed it … SantaCare!

The consequences could be catastrophic. 

Yet another generation of American children will be forever disillusioned by the sight of Santa on television hawking everything from veggie slicers to cell phones, from computers to insurance, from cars to cable TV, from big-screen televisions to rotisserie ovens, and from energy drinks to video games.

I predict that this Yuletide will find Jolly Old Saint Nick the victim of an attempted sleighjacking.  Luckily, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer will thwart this dastardly deed by taking cellphone video of the entire disgusting episode and posting it on YouTube.

That, dear reader, will be history’s ultimate viral video!

Oh, the humanity!

I’m simply not ready for all that craziness yet.

Considering what awaits us in the coming months, why don’t we simply relax and enjoy the peace of this quiet, reflective time of year?  Why don’t we savor the falling leaves, the crisp temperatures, the cozy nights by the fireplace, and the mugs of steaming apple cider while we’re lucky enough to have them?  Mother Nature blesses us with this magnificent season for such a brief period that it somehow seems so wrong to waste it mourning for the departing summer.

Enjoy autumn’s peace and quiet, dear reader.

They won’t be here for long.